I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Randomize
