you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
