I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
