Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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