I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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