hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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