I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
