So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
