I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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