Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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