Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
