So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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