he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
