from now on my penis is your penis
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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