You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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