We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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