walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
