Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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