If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
