I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
