Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
