so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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