i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
