im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize