Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
