i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
