drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
two words: eviction party
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize