i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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