I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize