Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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