he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
