i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
