Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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