I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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