i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
