Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You may now shotgun with the bride
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
