"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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