You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
