Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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