Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
