Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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