so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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