first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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