sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't put those talents on a resume
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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