Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
