How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
