So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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