I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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