6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
