Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
