i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you traded sex for a burrito?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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