you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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