Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize