I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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