I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
