as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
