Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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